Thursday, September 25, 2008


Tonight a good friend and I took a drive up past Hill's Creek Reservoir to get a night time glimpse of a new wildfire. We chatted, laughed and made a merry time of things. The glow visible from the road was eerie, beautiful and strangely comforting. Fire light has always had that effect on me. It got me to thinking. And brought me to blogging away.

What is fire?

Chemistry is one of my weaker subjects but from what is to be gathered from the scientific point of view is that fire is a complex bunch of chemical reactions. Combustion. Tada! Everything for sake of argument is a complex bunch on chemical reactions. To have fire you must have heat, oxygen and fuel. To live you must be created by a spark, fed by fuel and powered by air. Missing any one of those three key components leaves you without fire. And leaves you without life.

Fire is such a lively phenomenon. It is all chemical, just like everything else living. So what dubs it a non-living substance? It consumes, breathes and ultimately creates new life. The fire is alive.

The destroyer, leaving a blackened trail of death behind it. A terrible thing.

But what then rises from the ashes? New life. The nutrients left behind enrich the soils and foliage begins to grow back into the setting, eventually healthier than before. And when we die don't our decaying bodies give to the soil which allows the plants to grow, allows beings to eat, create new life and then once again those things die?

Aren't we the fire?

Doesn't the fire burn inside us?

Just another cycle of living, dying and rebirth.

(so what? this makes no sense. the need to ramble about something was heavy on my chest tonight. enjoy my insight)

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Plastics, make it impossible

Today I was working a general 8 hour day, I met a wide variety of people as I always do, and chatted briefly with regular customers. One thing that stuck in my mind was when a gruff fellow between the ages of 30 and 40 came through my line with his twin children, a daughter and son. I greeted them all briefly asked how their days' were going then dropped the question of "paper or plastic sack?" The man looked very offended almost like I had spat on his dead mother. "We don't support the oil companies, paper always thank you." I glanced at the children who were both glaring daggers in my direction. It was almost frightening. Almost in unison the twins chimed in, "The oil companies steal all our parent's money." The father looked at them both lovingly "Good kids." he beamed. "The only thing I contribute to the oil companies is the money I put out to put gas in my truck and to keep it up." I smiled politely and began filling up paper sacks with their groceries. While doing this I observed that every item they had was in a heavy plastic container. Milk, Butter, bottles of apple juice, two liter bottles of soda. It just amazes me that if someone can be so concerned with "the oil companies" getting their money, why cant they cut back on all petroleum products? Why just sacks?

I don't know what tomorrow holds.

Life has never been a steady and predictable thing for me. It probably is not bridled for anyone. It has become in recent weeks quite balanced and I feel a tight feeling in my chest, a fear that it will not remain.

The wind is a whisper,

Changing and transforming

To what do I find comforting?

Cold never crisper.

Freeze it in time.

Does it sigh a warning?

No longer contorting,

Or is everything once again melting?

I pray to know what tomorrow holds.

It is the thrill of life not knowing. I constantly find myself huffing the fumes of the unknown, The brilliant life high. There are just some nights like tonight where all I want is to know. The lack of knowledge is sickening.

Strong (Mentally to the core)

Don't embrace fear (yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil)

Life (Indulge, drink deep, let it flow through you)

Independence (working for what you want, with some guiding help along the way, nothing handed to you on a plate except for pure life)

Ambition (the drive)

Happiness (the pursuit, what drives ambition)

Love (love all man and being, pity those who you feel the urge to hate)

Melancholyanxietylonelyworrysomeness (natural inconvenience which is taking hold right now)

And once again I sit up listening to the sounds around me and cant help feeling all alone...

I don't understand myself..

Friday, September 12, 2008

Observing my bros

The television is blaring and my fire brothers are glued to Ultimate Fighter. Justin yells to Tim "No DADDY NO!" And insults spout back and forth between them.. "Shut up cock bag." "Go to hell." "F**K you man." "You have a tiny pee pee." "It's bigger than yours." I love them both so much. Buttheads.

Channels are flying by and they stop suddenly, fixed on the most recent hurricane ready to pulverize the southern coast of the United States. A few empathy to those who will be affected words are spoken between them. And the obsenities resume as the channel disappears and morphs into another program.

Vulgarity spreads like the black death here when select folks are here with eachother. We become laughing loads of poo when lost in the unintelligent ramblings. Just like family. They are my family.

overview of recent blessings

It is very early in the morning and I find myself with a computer resting on my lap. The last several nights have been cold, but the smell of summer melting into autumn is intoxicating. Absolute nothingness like this is too valuable to allow unconcious hallucinations of sleep shoo me away into unreality, complete desolation.

I feel blessed.

Not by any form of divine being other than nature itself. Feeling the life that comes from this deluge of silence makes me feel so thankful to just be alive and breathing. The blood pulsating through my veins is a comforting reminder that just maybe I will be around to drink in all the wonders that will bestow themselves on me later in the day.

Like work.

I am so glad to have met many of the people I see while doing my checking and cleaning and money counting down at our local grocery store. I have made very valuable friends there that are very important characters in my life. The interaction I have with complete strangers touch my existance indefinitely. Positively and I suppose maybe sometimes in not so postive ways. Work is a need all humans have. Everyone must work. It may prove not very entertaining, annoying and a complete inconvience at times, but from what I learn every day just interacting with and watching a person's mannerisms make me strive to learn more about these strange beings named "homo sapien." Myself being one makes me reflect on the decisions and actions fellow people watch me act out and I hope I don't, to put it simply, have any negative effect on anyone's mood.

And I realize how loudly the clock is ticking....

In about five and a half hours I will be meeting a new friend for breakfast at a very nice and relaxing little restraunt half a mile from my abode. My roommate who is also a very dear friend is sleeping downstairs and every so often I hear her son of not even two years old admit a slight wimper. Her precious children that have so quickly and lovingly accepted me into their home warm me with their adorable little hands and gestures. Their small little lives are so precious and for that I feel blessed.


And I'm so exhausted that this random little sparkles of feeling that needed to come out will make sense to no one but myself so now I will shower and fall into unconciousness...