Ay!

Have I missed something?

Have you ever felt as though you have passed a solstice in your life without realizing things have changed so much so abruptly?

Every day and every experience transform you into the person you are, and it continues without a stop until you expire. To some extent you chameleonize into something a little different time and time again.

For the first time in my life I am satisfied with who I am and confident in all my abilities.

I feel at my best.

I know who I am, I know my destination I'm just not completely sure of which trail I will be following, I hope it will be filled with excitement, adventure, friends and loved ones. Seasoned with some fresh and spicy unknown would be perfect.

Life don't make me bitter

Life don't make me weak

Have success

Be success

Live free

Love

Live kindly

and gently

and bravely

and honestly

and symmetrically

and backwards

and forwards

Nurturing

Abstractly

and

Hold your head confidently

Respect others

Be a FRIEND

Live as your choose

Peace out

or in....

weather

'Lo and Behold. The frozen tundra scenery located in Free and Easy, Oregon.

It's uncomfortably cold. My thermometer reads 18 degrees Fahrenheit. The wind is blowing harshly. The small ice crystals zooming in the air feel like tiny sharp blades on the skin. My house is cold, no matter how high I crank up the wall heaters. Happy winter!

night

Nocturnal state.
It's 02:34. Outside is absolutely beautiful. I keep peaking out looking at the fresh coating of snow on the ground. Every so large so puffs fall lightly to the ground in variations from light to heavy. I keep grabbing my coat to go outside and take it all in. Everything being so quiet and peaceful during the night hours makes me more and more prone to not sleep.

So peaceful
Beautiful
And dern my words, "It's just so friggin purty." (that's a mental quote :-P)

No activity in the park, just the snowing and the cold.
I wish I had my camera. The snow light is enough to capture images and store them away for future recollection.
Do we take pictures in attempt to freeze a moment and be able to hold onto it?

The winter season has finally officially arrived with the coming of snow to this quiet little city. The eagerness for the next several months to finally be happening again is driving me batty. It's time for friendly gatherings to come indoors, drinking hot sweet cider and dishing with my girls about petty things like how adorable celebrity babies are, reading Cosmo together and making fun of the latest sexual trends and them laughing their head's off about what they call my "goofy" selection of hats I have firmly glued to my head for the cold weather. It is a time for pure joy and merriment to overcome us and take life lightheartedly. I have a baby shower to help plan for my cousin soon as well. Things couldn't be more wonderful during this time of year.

I hope the holiday season will be spent happily with my family. Disputes either simmer down or escalate during Christmas time and we can never predict exactly what will happen. My typical redneck family. Beer, hard liquor beverages and prime rib make up the Christmas dinner on both sides of my family I love them.

It's also the time of year for SUPER SNOWBOARDING MADNESS!
Okay. That was a little over the top, but I am so excited for this coming season at the amazing Willamette Pass Ski Resort... WOO HOO.
My winter job. It's great. Free riding. Good times with friends. Making new ones working lifts. Finding the most ridiculous ways to pass the time while freezing our asses off. Shovel riding and racing is such a blast. Also the most forbidden fun thing you can do up their while working. Too fun to pass up.
There is also the snowmobiling during winter time. I better not start on that subject. Too much love.

A goal for this winter is to buy a pair of snowshoes. One trip I would like to make is to snowshoe into the Timpanogas Lake area and stay at the shelter there for a night. Then I would like to either spend a day up there exploring or snowshoe into Crescent Lake. Then back to the vehicle the following day. I do not know exactly how far the trip is and it would be all depending on how far up the road is clear to drive. It will be difficult to find someone to take this trip. I cannot go alone, not knowing what could happen and it being prime cougar territory makes me worry too much. Most of my lady friends don't appreciate such encounters with the outdoors and many of my male friends are much too busy to take a few days to make the small adventure. I can just hope and nag I suppose!

My cat is driving me absolutely insane. He just wants to play constantly. He wears me out playing and then keeps me up during my sleep time with his playing. Okay, so his name is Kitty. Very original. Could not find a suitable name. My roommate calls him psycho, tweak, attention whore and pain in the ass. His nicer nicknames that I have for him include: Kee, Kitten and "Oh my Gosh you little shit you did not just break that!" I also caught him drinking out of the toilet the other day even though he has plenty of clean fresh water. Hence the picture above. Kitty has a lot of strange habits, like washing his paws in his water dish, wrestling with my roommate's 3 year old daughter without biting or scratching and chasing his tail. Kitty full out chases his tail like some dogs do. No joke.

It's time for me to brew one last cup lovely decaffeinated Cascade Mint Tea, look outside once more and maybe fall asleep.

Goodnight, sleep comfortable.

full moon

Tonight I took a drive up towards the lake. The color and light was fading away, like watching a painter make art in reverse. But instead of the art disappearing its a whole new view on the masterpiece. I took a lot of pictures and it was nearly completely dark when I began driving home. The moon hanging like a haloed glowing orb in the sky, the sight was beautiful and eerie. Much brighter than normal. I have never heard of this nor read it, but from what I've observed it becomes very cold on those nights. Returning to town was a complete disappointment... So at The Trailhead I be....eating a crepe.... and drinking orange juice. Feeling like a creature of habit.

little Japanese poems...

Pulchritude alone
Inquire within, find yourself
Perceive righteousness

Dance wind, dance faster
Flee, disaster disaster
Completely destroyed

Live benevolent
Together we change the world
Fulfill your one dream

Mania, no choice
Embrace, indulge to fullest
Take it, live it, breathe

Lunch Time!!

The Stud Muffin Amazing Lady Killah

The Babysitter. Photo by The Artist

The Artist.......

Miss Madison eating her lunch

"I love you pizza!" Miss Madison

Mister Nolan eating his lunch

"Cheeeeese!" Mister Nolan

Today I am taking care of my old roomate, and good friend's children. We just had a very messy, but fun lunch time. I love these little ones and miss them so much. It makes me so happy when they scream "MIR MIR!" when I come over to the house. They are the sweetest kids ever! I love them so much. While I'm writing this Nolan is hitting me with a soaking wet Spongebob beanie babie demanding I give the doll kisses... I give it a kiss and wipe my mouth when Nolan isn't looking. Madison is still intrigued by the corn on her plate and is spreading it across the table. A little artist who keeps shouting "Look wha done! Pretty!" Thank goodness she has lost interest in taking pictures with my phone it's all sticky and yuck. Haha back to taking care of the kiddos!

Hope

Religion has only been an import aspect in my life once a very long time ago. Being lost and afraid it's easy to look to a higher power for truth and guidance. From what I have learned through experiences along the path is that there is no heavenly being that will show you the way. I would not describe myself as an atheist, however the one thing I believe to keep your soul traveling on it's journey is hope. You must have hope. Being true and being thankful for everything you have been blessed with is how I choose to live my journey. Friends of mine are so caught up in the stereotypical way of living and finding love that they have forgotten to be thankful for what they have acquired along the way. They may have scars burned very deeply into their spirit and they have become bitter along the way, but they have so many things to hope for and they don't even acknowledge it. They don't see the hope that is exploding from their children they have conceived with past lovers and just concentrate on how they have been done wrong. They are always so dramatic over the tiniest concepts and allow them to rule themselves mentally. Embrace your children. You may hate their father's/mother's but without the pain you have endured your children would not exist. Their soul's wouldn't be living and they wouldn't be able to have started a journey without the both of you. Have hope. You have so many other things to live for. Live for today and the hope of tomarrow. Look forward to the changing seasons and watching new life erupt. Be thankful for everyone you meet. They help shape you as a person. Absorb the light. Live for something purposeful. Create art so you and other's can enjoy the beauty of it. Help people, whether it may be good customer service, volunteering some time or maybe just simply being pleasant to the people you meet. If that doesn't tickle your fancy find something that does. Live for something meaningful. Touch a life. Do things you enjoy and keep company with good people you call your friends. If you cannot hope you are doomed to a lonely life you cannot even call your own. Don't let the pain and sorrow rule you. Choose your path. Make life everything you ever hoped it to be by changing your attitude. Hope tomarrow will come. Make it be yours. Live the dream.

Be it chilly outside

My Intro to EMS class got cancelled tonight. Many of my friends are still at work or have their children so I am out at the Trailhead eating a yummy crepe and enjoying some orange juice. It is very slow in here tonight, I am the only paying customer in here right now. The owner's young son just ran past my table hollering "SUPERMAN!" Jimi Hendrix is playing and the atmosphere is comfortable and relaxing. It is a little cooler in the corner by the window where I am sitting, But it is pleasant. I wonder if it will freeze tonight. The breath coming out of me has been visible all day. Snow would be nice. I would like the Pass to open up soon so I can work lifts and make a little cash. More importantly get in on the free snowboarding! There are blinking lights appearing all over the town, everyone getting ready for the holiday season... Oakridge is becoming a bit smoggy from wood stove smoke... Another nice person and her child are entering so I will be done with this and chat for awhile.

Warmth

It has been so brilliant and sunny the last few days... A completely different Thanksgiving than we had last year. Snowy and cloudy. Work and volunteering has had both my hands tied behind my back in recent weeks so this is well overdue post. I drove to Myrtle Creek after getting off of work on Thanksgiving. The visit with my family was short, but nice. My grandmother just suffered another stroke a couple weeks back. I am thankful we still have her around to love. The pager tones have been keeping me up most nights with call after call. As soon as we return to quarters another goes out and we are gone for another 4 hours. Many people have things ailing them this time of year. It's rather unfortunate. Hopefully tonight will be quiet so I can catch up with my room mate on our book reading race!! Happy Thanksgiving.

01:00

Most of the time I cant imagine being any happier. That cannot be measured and it continues growing. Life as we know it is a gift and a miracle in itself. The going gets tough but we charge right on. Every day I look forward to new experiences and opportunities. New friendships and new challenges. Keep on living!

Tomorrow will come,
the sun will rise.
Together we bring the ingredients to thrive.
Sorrow is the only true enemy at hand.
We curse........
and quarrel to our own demise.
Endeavor to keep the circle alive
For today rarely forsaken,
not of the damned.



Aspirations: nirvana, be successful in my career path, to nurture, balance, explore, and start a family.

Realistic and some goals I realistically wont complete:
Travel to New Zealand, Egypt, The Middle East, The Himalayas, Guatemala, Alaska, Montana, Colorado, Utah, New Mexico, North Carolina. Blow up something without causing harm to a single thing. Go skydiving, scuba dive amongst coral reefs (once I overcome my fear of breathing underwater) Get lost in a foreign land where I don't speak the language. Go deep sea fishing, fly kites, buy a kayak and use it often, white water raft more. Make and keep friends. Continue to conquer black diamond runs on my snowboard without letting them conquer the well being of my body. Be goofy. Accept things for what they are. Camp. Go free riding off of Diamond Peak. Ride bikes. Hike more. Have babies. Raise them. Pick mushrooms/huckleberries/blackberries/strawberries/apples/pears. Have a garden. Make compost for my garden. Do no harm. Rock out and be careless from time to time. Barbecue. Meet good people. Date nice men. Ride quads. Be snuggled. Spend life with nice man. Love. Swim across Waldo Lake. Be loved. Connect and get to know people as their genuine selves. Learn something new every day. Continue exercising regularly. Plant trees. Read books. Write a book. Write poetry. Sing. Dance. Laugh. Take long naps. Break nocturnal cycle. Get a place to myself. Fight fire. Own land. Help people. Save lives. Take pictures. Live in the wilderness by myself for a summer. Feed the hungry. Overcome loneliness. Volunteer. Donate. Remain honest. Fight for the truth and what I believe is the right thing.

October Wonderland

Ah. What a refreshing day. I went hunting with my Dad. We drove up to 5,500 feet in elevation to a "secret" place. It was snowing. So early in the year it was complete eye candy. We also got lost on foot for several hours, it was coming down so hard it covered our tracks and everything looked exactly the same all around. I have never really been lost like that before. Oh well things turned out fine. And here are some pretty pictures!!

Unfinished

Drifting mahogany scents entangle with descending leaves,
More than quiet livelihood
Entertaining the senses, purity and serene
Plunging and fluttering amongst the breeze
I wouldn't, Wait, Yes I would.
Forever will you dance with me?
The cool nights begin to freeze
All at once the life is gone
Until something strange becomes anew
As briskly appearing as the dawn
The chickadees all atwitter
Gentle changing iced morning dew
(....to be continued)

Searching

I find my life busy and hectic at the moment. I just want things to slow down and allow me time to collect myself. I want to connect with people. I want to feel that I am not the only living being on this planet. I want to stay up all night and discuss life.

Am I too selfish?

In midst of all the mayhem I once again am looking for a place to call home. Hopefully something will come to me soon or the car will be my place to sleep again. The adventure of complete untied independence is growing old and stale as the nights grow more chilly and the dread of finding myself alone with nowhere to sleep rushes upon me like a flood.

It is true that Oakridge and the surrounding areas are my home, but I want structure and warmth. Is it too much to crave? Somewhere safe where I'm not frightened? A true place of refuge and rest?

The only thing that is going how I planned are my college classes.

Intro To EMS (Dull.. I already know what happens in EMS)

EMT-Intermediate(Amazing, challenging and holds my interest)

Life is great. The bumps along the way are challenging my sanity though. Be a friend, I promise I will be one to you.

Burn

Tonight a good friend and I took a drive up past Hill's Creek Reservoir to get a night time glimpse of a new wildfire. We chatted, laughed and made a merry time of things. The glow visible from the road was eerie, beautiful and strangely comforting. Fire light has always had that effect on me. It got me to thinking. And brought me to blogging away.

What is fire?

Chemistry is one of my weaker subjects but from what is to be gathered from the scientific point of view is that fire is a complex bunch of chemical reactions. Combustion. Tada! Everything for sake of argument is a complex bunch on chemical reactions. To have fire you must have heat, oxygen and fuel. To live you must be created by a spark, fed by fuel and powered by air. Missing any one of those three key components leaves you without fire. And leaves you without life.

Fire is such a lively phenomenon. It is all chemical, just like everything else living. So what dubs it a non-living substance? It consumes, breathes and ultimately creates new life. The fire is alive.

The destroyer, leaving a blackened trail of death behind it. A terrible thing.

But what then rises from the ashes? New life. The nutrients left behind enrich the soils and foliage begins to grow back into the setting, eventually healthier than before. And when we die don't our decaying bodies give to the soil which allows the plants to grow, allows beings to eat, create new life and then once again those things die?

Aren't we the fire?

Doesn't the fire burn inside us?

Just another cycle of living, dying and rebirth.

(so what? this makes no sense. the need to ramble about something was heavy on my chest tonight. enjoy my insight)

Plastics, make it impossible

Today I was working a general 8 hour day, I met a wide variety of people as I always do, and chatted briefly with regular customers. One thing that stuck in my mind was when a gruff fellow between the ages of 30 and 40 came through my line with his twin children, a daughter and son. I greeted them all briefly asked how their days' were going then dropped the question of "paper or plastic sack?" The man looked very offended almost like I had spat on his dead mother. "We don't support the oil companies, paper always thank you." I glanced at the children who were both glaring daggers in my direction. It was almost frightening. Almost in unison the twins chimed in, "The oil companies steal all our parent's money." The father looked at them both lovingly "Good kids." he beamed. "The only thing I contribute to the oil companies is the money I put out to put gas in my truck and to keep it up." I smiled politely and began filling up paper sacks with their groceries. While doing this I observed that every item they had was in a heavy plastic container. Milk, Butter, bottles of apple juice, two liter bottles of soda. It just amazes me that if someone can be so concerned with "the oil companies" getting their money, why cant they cut back on all petroleum products? Why just sacks?

I don't know what tomorrow holds.

Life has never been a steady and predictable thing for me. It probably is not bridled for anyone. It has become in recent weeks quite balanced and I feel a tight feeling in my chest, a fear that it will not remain.

The wind is a whisper,

Changing and transforming

To what do I find comforting?

Cold never crisper.

Freeze it in time.

Does it sigh a warning?

No longer contorting,

Or is everything once again melting?

I pray to know what tomorrow holds.

It is the thrill of life not knowing. I constantly find myself huffing the fumes of the unknown, The brilliant life high. There are just some nights like tonight where all I want is to know. The lack of knowledge is sickening.

Strong (Mentally to the core)

Don't embrace fear (yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil)

Life (Indulge, drink deep, let it flow through you)

Independence (working for what you want, with some guiding help along the way, nothing handed to you on a plate except for pure life)

Ambition (the drive)

Happiness (the pursuit, what drives ambition)

Love (love all man and being, pity those who you feel the urge to hate)

Melancholyanxietylonelyworrysomeness (natural inconvenience which is taking hold right now)

And once again I sit up listening to the sounds around me and cant help feeling all alone...

I don't understand myself..

Observing my bros

The television is blaring and my fire brothers are glued to Ultimate Fighter. Justin yells to Tim "No DADDY NO!" And insults spout back and forth between them.. "Shut up cock bag." "Go to hell." "F**K you man." "You have a tiny pee pee." "It's bigger than yours." I love them both so much. Buttheads.

Channels are flying by and they stop suddenly, fixed on the most recent hurricane ready to pulverize the southern coast of the United States. A few empathy to those who will be affected words are spoken between them. And the obsenities resume as the channel disappears and morphs into another program.

Vulgarity spreads like the black death here when select folks are here with eachother. We become laughing loads of poo when lost in the unintelligent ramblings. Just like family. They are my family.

overview of recent blessings

It is very early in the morning and I find myself with a computer resting on my lap. The last several nights have been cold, but the smell of summer melting into autumn is intoxicating. Absolute nothingness like this is too valuable to allow unconcious hallucinations of sleep shoo me away into unreality, complete desolation.

I feel blessed.

Not by any form of divine being other than nature itself. Feeling the life that comes from this deluge of silence makes me feel so thankful to just be alive and breathing. The blood pulsating through my veins is a comforting reminder that just maybe I will be around to drink in all the wonders that will bestow themselves on me later in the day.

Like work.

I am so glad to have met many of the people I see while doing my checking and cleaning and money counting down at our local grocery store. I have made very valuable friends there that are very important characters in my life. The interaction I have with complete strangers touch my existance indefinitely. Positively and I suppose maybe sometimes in not so postive ways. Work is a need all humans have. Everyone must work. It may prove not very entertaining, annoying and a complete inconvience at times, but from what I learn every day just interacting with and watching a person's mannerisms make me strive to learn more about these strange beings named "homo sapien." Myself being one makes me reflect on the decisions and actions fellow people watch me act out and I hope I don't, to put it simply, have any negative effect on anyone's mood.

And I realize how loudly the clock is ticking....

In about five and a half hours I will be meeting a new friend for breakfast at a very nice and relaxing little restraunt half a mile from my abode. My roommate who is also a very dear friend is sleeping downstairs and every so often I hear her son of not even two years old admit a slight wimper. Her precious children that have so quickly and lovingly accepted me into their home warm me with their adorable little hands and gestures. Their small little lives are so precious and for that I feel blessed.

Drained

And I'm so exhausted that this random little sparkles of feeling that needed to come out will make sense to no one but myself so now I will shower and fall into unconciousness...
goodmorning....